bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
