Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
