i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
