the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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