I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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