i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
