I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
