just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
