I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
