I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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