I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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