I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So squirting runs in the family.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
