His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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