3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
