final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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