I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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