im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
