mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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