There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
