Who did Billy Mays play for?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
