Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
