I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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