I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
