Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
