Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
