The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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