What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
