Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
