i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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