when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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