you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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