your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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