Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
