dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
