Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
