apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
