you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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