i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
