I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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