Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
