so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
