Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
