I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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