I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just forgot I was standing up.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
