I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
