Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
