TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
