strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
