bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
