Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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