I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
