im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
