listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
