if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
