found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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