Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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