i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize