Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
