I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
