literally had 100 drinks last night.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
